September 30

Bringing Home The Bacon Plasma

Over the last quarter of a century, I am confident in my declaration that I have met at least a dozen mothers and fathers. Maybe more.

Only the other day, I spent a fair portion of my morning at work trying to decipher why a colleague’s pre-teenage lad was sitting on a bean-bag ten feet away from me. Apparently, he had a sore throat and wasn’t well enough to attend school. Alas, he was fit and able to grace us with his presence – and play on the company Xbox for nine hours.

Confession: I am not a parent.

However, last week I shared an experience that is famously cherished by mums and dads across the globe.

It’s that entrenched exciting and ferociously nervous feeling of driving your newborn home from hospital for the very first time.

In my case, I wasn’t transporting a baby. Nor was I picking anything up from a nearby medical building. I feel like that’s important to point out.

Instead the cargo I was handling with ultimate and artistic precision was a brand-spanking new Sony Bravia 55-inch 4K Liquid Crystal Display television. The pickup point? Richer Sounds Electronics store – basically a similar ballpark to a hospital, I’m sure you’d all agree.

As the large and impressive cardboard box was presented to me at checkout, I felt a wave of responsibility overcome me. First hurdle: get this bad-boy in the car without a hiccup. My legs wobbled like jelly as I awkwardly lodged the beastmode plasma onto the backseat. His new home beckoned.

The journey was nothing short of traumatic. I lived through every bump, every imperfection. Bad drivers received scathing attacks in the form of inaudible and fanatical looks (no swearing/cussing, I didn’t want to set a bad example to the new arrival).

The crispness of pulling slowly into the driveway was unrivalled. Elegance surrounded my every action as I hoisted this 55-inch wonder into my man cave.

If ever there was any doubt before, I now feel it deep inside. Pride, influence, accountability. I’m now a real man.

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