No Standard Bog Average Deals Here

This weekend marked the annual ‘beg my cable provider for a good deal’ process. After some initial difficulties in which I was put through to the wrong department on three consecutive occasions, I was finally put in touch with Malcolm.

Malcolm had my proverbial fate in his hands. Either I would be spending the next six months watching NFL/College Football in glorious 46-inch high definition or I’d be feeding off the scraps of grainy streaming options on my abnormally small laptop screen.

I’ll be honest, big Malc didn’t seem to be a particularly approachable guy. After barking some generic validation queries in my direction, pleasantries and icebreakers were seemingly off the table.

“What package do ya want then?” He abruptly enquired.

“Sports.” I sheepishly responded.

He sighed.

“Sports? How very predictable.”

It was clear that Malky wasn’t a sports fan. As a volley of tutting and what I perceived to be ‘rolling of the eyes’ occurred at his end of the telephone, he gallivanted down an unexpected avenue.

“Got any kids?”

I paused. At the back of my mind, I considered the relevance of such a question.

“Sorry? You’ve lost me.” Needless to say, I was keen to keep my cards close to my chest.

“Ere listen up, if you’ve got kids I can give you a good discount under our family special.’

Malcom had taken an unexpected shine to me. Out of nowhere, he was lavishing me with gifts, discounts and family bundles. My only problem was an ethical one. Why? Because I do not have a child to my name.

With this in mind, I weighed up the pros and cons. Deafening silence filled the air. Malcolm twitched in the background.

“Come on, sir. Time is ticking. Got kiddies or not!? Yes, good deal. No, standard bog average deal.”

As the word “bog” drifted through the airwaves, I snapped.

“Yes! I’ve got twelve sons and daughters!” I loudly exclaimed.

“Twelve? Bloody hell. You must be desperate for a lovely deal.”

To be fair, I was. Moments later, I peered out of the open window that looked out onto a grassy knoll that would potentially serve as a garden to my make-believe massive family. I felt deeply proud that they had secured me half price TV and broadband for the next six months. It’s fair to say they came good. Thank you, Josh Junior x 6 and Daughters x 6.

Days later, I was emailed by the cable provider. They wanted the inside scoop on my dealings with their customer service department. I replied with three letters. M.I.G.

Malcolm is God.

PS. Please note: the above story is completely falsified and not true in any way at all. Cable provider, if you’re reading this, please don’t take away my excellent package. I’m not sure how I’d tell my 12 kids that they can’t watch Rugrats or Spongebob Squarepants anymore.

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