Happy Thanksgiving To One And All
I’m not going to lie, I am a little jealous that I have never experienced a traditional Thanksgiving.
Over here in the UK, nothing like it exists. Probably because we don’t have all that much to be thankful for. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true. I consider the fact our local fish and chip shop hasn’t shut down yet to be a massive bonus.
Unfortunately, my Thursday will not consist of getting the family together, eating as much as we humanly can and watching three back-to-back football games,
I have got a far more elaborate plan up my sleeve. Yes, I have prepared a gourmet menu for one.
I will be tucking into a £1 turkey sandwich from the local supermarket in honour of this fine American holiday.
It doesn’t end there. Oh no. I’ll be surrounded by all the trimmings. I’m fairly sure that I’ll have enough Doritos, mini-sausage rolls and chicken drumsticks to last me a lifetime.
People often wonder what heaven is like. But I’m pretty sure that my set up tomorrow is going to be pretty close to the mark. Even if the turkey in my sandwich probably isn’t turkey.
For £1, I’m guessing it could be anything disguised as turkey. The mind boggles. I’m probably safer not knowing. On second thoughts, I’m probably safer not eating it.
Back to square one. Heck, I’m tempted to just go all out. Why not buy an effin’ massive turkey, throw it in the oven and let history take its course? As long as it doesn’t end in the fire brigade having to pop round, then mission accomplished as far as I’m concerned.
Decisions, decisions. As if the reality that Christmas is only a few weeks away isn’t stressful enough.
Where the hell did it come from? One minute I’m in a hotel in Houston that still has its Halloween decorations still up, the next I’m in England surrounded by Christmas lights, carols and a dusting of snow.
That sort of transformation isn’t good for anyone. Especially not for someone that’s afraid of the most terrifying creature on the planet.
Some people are crazy enough to think they are cute. I believe they are snakes with arms.
As a result, I’ve had to make some important choices. I couldn’t go on living in a world of bewilderment, confusion and mongoose-induced fear.
It was time to take the bull by the horns and take Christmas into my own hands.
As I gathered my friends and family into a nearby Château, I delivered the crushing news.
I would be sacrificing buying them Christmas presents this year. For the greater good. Not because I wanted to give all my money to charity or that I hadn’t a penny left from my three months in College Station, but because I had to make an earth-shattering decision.
Either I bought them all a present or I bought myself a XBox One.
Well, now you know why I’ll be dining on my own tomorrow…
PS. In all seriousness, I hope all my American friends and everyone reading this across the pond, or wherever you may be around the world, have the best possible day. I’ll be raising a glass to y’all.
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